Fewd Bite: Crystal Pepsi Returns! Oh My!

From the land of “Why?,” PepsiCo is bringing back Crystal Pepsi!

You remember Crystal Pepsi, right?

Back in the early ’90s, Crystal Pepsi was introduced. It was basically just regular Pepsi, but clear in color. Fascinating! It lasted for less than two years. Nobody cared. Why? Because, why?? What’s the point of drinking clear Pepsi?

Essentially, it was a marketing ploy to appeal to stupid young people (aren’t most marketing ploys like this??). The young people of the early ’90s said, “Like, wouldn’t it be, like, so totally cool if, like, we had some clear Pepsi?” Pepsi answered the question. There was only one problem.

Nobody really cared.

Well, all things old become new again. Everything is about nostalgia, lately. For some time now, most of the “throwback” food items (and other stuff, too) has focused on the ’60s and ’70s. Maybe a little bit of the ’80s thrown in for good measure.

Well, now the ’90s are the thing for the cool crowd. Yay. And bringing back Crystal Pepsi fits right in.

According to AdvertisingAge, Linda Lagos (director of marketing for Pepsi) said, “Pepsi is all about pop culture and few things are as hot right now in pop culture as the 1990s.”

Like, OH MY GAWD! Pepsi is, like, all about pop culture! Give us a fucking break. It’s a soda maker that nobody gives a shit about anymore. People of all ages don’t drink as much soda as they used to. That’s all there is to it, kids.

So what is PepsiCo to do? Bring back retro crap! And bring out junk like this that we reviewed a while back.

Either way, Pepsi says the ’90s are in. As if all this wasn’t bad enough, Pepsi is releasing a video game called “The Crystal Pepsi Trail.” It is Pepsi’s twist of the old classic, “The Oregon Trail.” And that’s where this gets really goofy.

“The Oregon Trail,” according to AdvertisingAge, has been around in one form or another since the 1970’s.

OK. So what does this have to do with the ’90s, when Crystal Pepsi came out??

It’s obvious! Pepsi is trying to connect it to players that played it in the ’90s! Screw the other decades it has been played! It’s all about pop culture, yo!

Barfing yet? No? Well how about this…

The object of the game is to collect ’90s items on the trail. There are references to stuff from the ’90s throughout the game.

Remember that genius marketing person from earlier? She said the game is, “…a very authentic way to talk to these guys that are so into the 1990s. It was the original desktop time-suck before Facebook existed.”

OK. We don’t know how much more we can take. Pepsi has brought back a soda nobody cared about from the 1990s, and tied it in to (read desecrated it) a classic game that didn’t even come out in the 1990s. Confused yet?? More beer needed!

Have slagging sales because people don’t drink soda anymore? No problem! Just bring back a soda that lasted less than two years, bank on 1990s nostalgia, and tie it in with a video game that isn’t even from the 1990s. Makes sense to us! Who is the target audience here? Millennials mostly don’t even remember this stuff. Pepsi better hope that there are a LOT of people that remember and want Crystal Pepsi, and that also played “The Oregon Trail” while drinking it!

Seriously, companies spend money on marketing companies that come up with crap like this??

Look, we think retro stuff is cool. But if you’re going to go retro, do it with something that people actually liked the first time! Spend some money on that, marketing geniuses!

It will be interesting to see how this goes the second time around. Get on it fast, people. Crystal Pepsi is back for only eight weeks. It will be available in 20 ounce bottles starting in Canada on July 7, and in the United States on August 8.

We will have a review on it for you when it comes out. Why not? Like, we’re all about pop culture and the 90s, dude!