Review: Totino’s Bacon & Pepperoni Pizza Rolls (New)

Hell yeah! Totino’s has a new kind of pizza rolls!

Pizza rolls were designed for Fewd Snobs. What is not to love?? Pizza goodness wrapped up in a crust that kicks ass. There is nothing not good here. Plus, they are drunk food perfection. All of you drunks KNOW you eat pizza rolls! We always have the freezer stocked with Totino’s pizza rolls. Our standard types are the Supreme or Combination.

As far as we are concerned, there is only ONE type of pizza rolls. Totino’s. All others suck, so don’t bother. Again, all of you drunks KNOW what it is like to stumble around the grocery store completely screwed up on booze to buy pizza rolls. And what kind do you buy?? Totino’s! That’s all there is to it, people.

We were actually in the grocery store sober (why…why???!) and discovered the new Bacon & Pepperoni pizza rolls. OK…let’s get this straight…pizza rolls with bacon?? We had to try this!

We loaded up a plate and…

IMG_20160602_152420560…oh look! A plate of frozen pizza roll goodness! Drunks rejoice!

OK, people. Here is the deal. We microwave our pizza rolls. Yes, we MICROWAVE them. Herman likes them in the oven or in the microwave. Denny actually prefers them microwaved because he likes them chewy and not crunchy. And more than anything, they take 65 seconds. In the oven, they take 12 minutes! No drunk has 12 minutes to wait on pizza rolls! So, we microwave the little suckers. And that’s how we did them for this review.

So, 65 seconds later…

IMG_20160602_152628818There you have a nice plate of pizza rolls, bursting out with goodness (put your joke here, people!). When these are cooking, you WILL smell bacon. Smells like real bacon cooking. Who doesn’t love that?

IMG_20160602_152910843Herman once again expertly cut and photographed the innards (HO HO!) of the pizza roll above. You can see the bacon in the half on the left.

IMG_20160602_153013Here, we squeezed the filling out all over the plate (we are TRYING not to laugh here!). OK, maybe these suckers don’t look appetizing in the picture. Meh. Just stay with us now…

The base of this variety is the standard pepperoni pizza roll. We bet that if you are reading our site, you have eaten Totino’s pizza rolls before. But, in the event that you have been living under a rock, we’ll take it from the top.

The crust on these pizza rolls is crunchy if you put them in the oven, and chewy if you nuke them. The flavor is kind of different cooked the two ways. The crust holds up well either way they are cooked. The filling bursts a little cooked both ways. If you cook them in the oven, be careful on your time. If you leave them too long, the filling will dry out. The flavor of the crust does kind of taste like pizza crust/dough. It’s good stuff, people. Trust us.

The fillings obviously differ depending on the flavor. But the base is a standard tomato pizza sauce. It is not sweet, but not too tart. It is actually perfect. The base also includes cheese. Sauce and cheese with crust equals pizza flavor. There you have it.

OK, enough. Go out and get a bag. Any bag. Then you’ll know the basics.

The real point here is bacon!

This is a good time for us to mention the Totino’s Triple Meat variety. It has sausage, pepperoni, and Canadian bacon. The new one is regular bacon. Pepperoni is the standard pizza topping across the country these days. So, it makes sense to combine them.

As soon as you bite into one of these, you will taste bacon. It is REAL bacon, people. It doesn’t taste like Canadian bacon. It doesn’t taste like dried out little fake bacon bits. The ingredients list cooked bacon pieces. This is the best part of the whole thing, in our opinion. Real bacon. Sweet.

You get real bacon taste, and quite a bit of it. But the base flavor is still a standard pepperoni pizza roll. The bacon doesn’t take over and overwhelm. There is a nice balance of flavor without just getting punched in the face with bacon. But it is definitely there. If you like bacon and you like pizza rolls, you will love these.

The bottom line is that everything comes together perfectly because there is a balance of flavors between the pepperoni, bacon, cheese, and crust. And who doesn’t like adding a little taste of breakfast to drunk food? Perfection, kids.

A pack of 40 ran us three bucks on sale at Kroger. They usually run three bucks standard price at Walmart. Totino’s pizza rolls are always a great value. Nothing to bitch about here.

These are pretty badass. We think they are great. Go get drunk and get some of these. Then you can thank us for making your drunk night!

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