Rant: Really, Chick-fil-A?

From the Land of Stupid, we give you Chick-fil-A.

Chick-fil-A has lost its shit, apparently.

Back in January, Chick-fil-A got rid of cole slaw from the menu. This pissed a lot of people off. Not everybody likes Chick-fil-A’s awful fries. So, the cole slaw was a perfect replacement. Well, not anymore!

It is bad enough that the joint is eliminating a popular menu item. What’s even worse is the bullshit reasoning behind it. According to Business Insider, the company said, “We know many of our customers loved our cole slaw, yet we have also heard from our customers that they are looking for new tastes and healthier ways to eat in our restaurants.”

Did you catch that??

Customers are looking for “healthier.” HEALTHY?? You sell fucking FRIED CHICKEN sandwiches, you jackasses!! Yet, in order to be healthy, you cut cole slaw? Cole slaw!? Not the fried chicken. Not the sauces that are loaded with fat. Nope. The cole slaw!

What are we missing here?

We aren’t the only ones pissed off. Food Network star Alton Brown had something to say. He told Gwinnett Daily Post, “I absolutely love Chick-fil-A, but I’m upset with them, so I’m boycotting them because they took coleslaw off the menu.”

Good man.

So, Ass-fil-A has replaced the slaw with the “Superfood Side.” Stupid-fil-A’s website describes it as, “Chopped Broccolini and kale blend, tossed in a sweet and tangy maple vinaigrette dressing and topped with flavorful dried sour cherries. Served with our roasted nut blend.”

What the fuck is Broccolini? We don’t want to know.

Remember, this place sells FRIED CHICKEN sandwiches. Yet, it now offers a fucking kale blend salad with “sweet and tangy maple vinaigrette” and “flavorful dried sour cherries.” What the hell is going on here? Pretentious much? Who is this place trying to fool?

You sell chicken sandwiches and cole slaw, not kale you dipshits!

To this, Alton Brown says, “Kale? Did you say kale? I don’t go to Chick-fil-A to eat kale. I go there to eat slaw.”

We love this guy. We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

If all this isn’t stupid enough, guess what the dumb bastards did next?

They got rid of iceberg lettuce.

According to WGN, the chain’s VP of menu strategy and development said, “We have a mandate: Never use iceberg lettuce.” He also describes iceberg lettuce as “lacking all nutritional value,” and being at the “bottom of the salad food chain.”

Can you believe this? Again, this is the place that sells fried chicken. FRIED CHICKEN! AAAAAAHHH!

Both of us agree that iceberg lettuce is WAY better on sandwiches than leaf lettuce. Leaf lettuce is mushy and wilted and soft. Yuck. Gross. Iceberg has a better taste. And it gives a sandwich some crunch. It has its place in salads, too.

The amount of stupid here is astounding. It is almost difficult to write about.

The trends towards “healthy” at fast food places is getting disgusting. People don’t go to a place that sells fried chicken for kale and bullshit. They go for a nice, greasy chicken sandwich. Life in 2016 is just stupid already.

And the iceberg lettuce thing is just beyond stupid. There is no way this shithole can argue about nutritional value while selling sauce that has 140 calories, 13 grams of fat, and 120 milligrams of sodium per serving (according to WGN). It just doesn’t make sense.

We would go to Chick-fil-A from time to time. Herman is a fan. Denny thinks it is overrated. But, this news is making us think twice about ever bothering to step foot into one of this pretentious, over-glorified shitholes ever again.

Screw you, Chick-fil-A.

5 Comments

  1. john oppenheim

    ou do realize that your post about chickfila makes you look like the opposite of “food snobs” right…? you attack a company that is obiously doing well, and rail against them using short rude language without any actual basis.

    Chickfila offers wraps, grilled chicken, and salads, and are trying to offer healthy food alongside their fried chicken. I feel safe to assume no one understands your personal hate towards fast food places trying to offer healthy options.

    Coleslaw accounted for less than 2% of overall sales, which means it get discontinued. this isnt specific to the coleslaw, it also happened to the spicy biscuit and the breakfast sweet rolls.

    Companies have to act in their financial best interest. Rail all you want but at the end of the day, they’re making more money from the kale salad than they did with coleslaw and therefore keeping it. if kale sales drop below 2%, theyll drop it too. It’s just business, no need to whine as if they personally targeted you.

    I’m dissapointed that someone who claims to be a food enthusiast thinks that the world exists to please and make sense to them.

    Reply
    1. David

      Umm no. this is an entirely accurate post. I would know, I used to work at CFA. They have tried to add healthier items to the menu, but they are known for the fried chicken sandwich which made them famous. They give the prep people (That’s what I worked) a ridiculous amount of things to do in a short period of time. I have seen lately their business isn’t doing so hot, but no know really knows why, of course they would want to keep a lid on that. The employees get treated like dirt and only get paid a measly $8/hour. It’s no wonder they have a high turnover rate among employees.

      Reply
    2. Joseph

      Basically what he is saying is chick-fila is slacking off let people criticize where they eat it could just be better for customer service and also it’s a free survey for chick-fila let’s them know what the public likes I mean that’s not if management doesn’t have little man syndrome.

      Reply
  2. Raoul Duke

    To the above comment, 2% of a multi-billion dollar a year fast food chain is a LOT of money!

    With that said, this article comes across like an angry fat guy tweeting from his basement with Dorito dust on his fingers. Just bc Alton is on your side doesn’t make this article sound any less like second rate hate-blogging.

    I don’t support Chick-fil-A at all, but this article is whiney at best

    Reply
  3. Lisa

    It never tasted good to me.

    Reply

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